Hearth posted something this mornning that has kept me in a thoughtful place most of the day. I’m going to post a bit of a teaser here, followed by the comment I left over at her place. She wrote:
The hard bit is being asked to be honest about wanting the things I still want. I learned, veryveryvery thoroughly, the lesson about giving all your desires to God, and if something was becoming an idol, dragging it up to the altar and leaving it there. I learned the lesson about submitting my will and my desires to God’s plan, no matter how I felt about it.
That was a good lesson. That was an important lesson. But I can’t get on with learning new lessons until I stop obsessing about this one. It wasn’t the LAST lesson.
Not sure if I learned that lesson as thoroughly as she, but I’m certainly working on it. Except maybe I’m not because, as I noted in the comment I left on her post:
Getting things sorted, identifying what a tendency or feeling is at its root; yeah. I struggle mightily with that one myself.
Truth? I spend so much mental energy not desiring. It seems selfish to want anything when I have so much. I couldn’t begin to tell you what my deepest deisres are. I can tell you what I desire for my husband and kids -and by that I mean things that they would also desire for themselves- but for myself? I am confused.
I hardly ever think about what I want because asking for anything seems to me to like asking for a hot fudge sundae when set before me is my very own perfectly iced cake. I don’t ask God for much for myself besides the spiritual sounding stuff that *good Christian women* should ask for.
Suddenly, this tendency smacks to me of trying to manipulate God, because surely He knows that I have desires, including those “icky” temporal desires, even if I am hiding them from myself. I’m wondering now if my desires, wherever I have them buried, might reveal themselves to my conscious mind if I would be more careful to delight myself in Him.
File this one under the paradox of faith that wrestles, I guess.