American identity, black in a multi-culti world, How to pick a guy

What’s a [black] girl to do?

I have a lot of thoughts about this piece of writing, but for right now I’m putting this article here as a marker to share one of the things we’ve discussed in our family given our present social circle and the experiences our daughters have had (or will have).

It’ll probably be next week before I can even begin to unpack it properly and I don’t know that I’m going to take the time to do that, so here it is:

Negro Bed Wench or Baby Mama: A Black Woman’s Dilemma.

An object level example:

A white guy at our daughter’s job made an offer to spend the day hanging out with her when their day off fell on the same day. She didn’t think it was a date proposition -she declined- but as a general rule, men don’t hang around young, attractive women thinking she’s another one of the guys.

There’s also a black guy at her job who clearly has a serious crush on her. Everyone can see it, but he has yet to say anything to her and it’s probably best that he doesn’t to spare everyone involved. She’s not interested.

In other words, this is not just a hypothetical exercise for me, and frankly, despite the fact that the Benevolent Dictator is perfectly cool and at ease with a son-in-law of whatever hue so long as he’s honorable, God-fearing, and good to his girls, I go back and forth on the matter.

The Judgy Bith article just got me thinking. That is all.

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20 thoughts on “What’s a [black] girl to do?”

  1. This post is extremely short for a reason. I’m not particularly interested in a lengthy debate on this one. I just found the article apropos even though I think the click bait title is misleading.

    A wife is NOT a bed wench as this author ( a black woman married to a white man) should know full well. She is a wife.

    A black woman married to a black man (even one who may have a child or more before the marriage) is NOT a baby mama. She is a wife.

    The title got me to read, but still…

    Why do black people devalue themselves with language like this as if we need to pile on in that department?

    That’s basically ALL I have to say on the matter.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That is one pitiful and trashy blog and I was not expecting much when I saw “judgybitch”.

    Why do black people devalue themselves with language like this as if we need to pile on in that department?

    A lack of self respect and a lack of respect for other black people. It is very typical of the black people who are chosen to speak on black issues in right leaning media. First they say horrible things about black people that lack appropriate context or have little basis in reality. Then they talk about how they are a good, different and special Negro who doesn’t do that kind of stuff. “I am not like most black people.” This kind of black person lives for approving pats on the head from white people.

    Having a black person say it is meant to shield the white people who believe this nonsense from accusations of racism. This was especially crass, because judgy is an especially crass woman who uses clickbait titles to distract from the lack of substance in her posts. Still this is kind of anti-black propaganda that passes for discourse on black issues in right leaning media. When the writer is white the language is more coded, but the sentiment is the same.

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  3. Meh..I have heard more than a few liberal black people use the same stupid language. I’ve even heard some “fight the power” types use it in the same way this woman does. The “bed wench” thing, the “baby mama””, and other language best left to the gangsta rappers. It’s a problem that, as far as I have seen, cuts across political ideologies.

    I actually *get* why someone like my BIL, for example, might say it even though I vehemently disagree with him. I don’t get why someone who purports to have transcended race would say it, even as a rhetorical device. Why does she care whether black men who she claims to care less about thinks she’s a bed wench?

    My take is that the black women who do this have NOT gotten past their issues with black men, no matter what they say. I could never imagine TPC, for instance, using that kind of language in her writing.

    It makes me eternally grateful for the fact that I have had excellent black men in my life throughout my entire life. I don’t take it for granted because I know not all women have been so fortunate.

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  4. Yes, some black liberals use that language, but the media about black people directed at left leaning people isn’t just anti-black propaganda. Anti-black propaganda is part of the mainstream right. For example, it was about half of Bill O’Reilly’s job. IIRC he used the term “baby mama” more than once and he’s certainly said worse about black people in less offensive language. Anti-black propaganda is perfectly normal and acceptable to most right leaning people. There is no mainstream equivalent of that on the left.

    Anyway, the woman who wrote that hasn’t gotten past her issues with black men or black women. She should seek therapy and resolve her issues so that she doesn’t raise self hating children.

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  5. Didn’t read the article, did see the headline around and about a couple of places. The right is a minority politically and socially and a fringe in the media at absolute best, so making broad assertions about right wing views somehow being mainstream because one or two right-wing people have a slot on Fox News is not really useful. There’s also a substantial anti-black skew to the left and liberal media world, but it rarely uses boorish language like the dancing paid clowns of Fox News. So they got that going for them, I guess.

    Most right leaning people would be surprised to hear they have no problem with “anti-black propaganda”.

    I have a post about black illegitimacy by the numbers rotting in draft because I don’t know how to write up what I found. In 100 years of tracking illegitimacy, the main factors are things like high preponderance of teen pregnancy without marriage, urban living and modernity issues. There’s also the larger reality of a simple collapse in baby-having, particularly after the 50% OOW mark was crossed in 1976. In barely a decade (63-76), illegitimacy doubled from 25% to 50%.

    It took many many years longer to go from 10 to 20 percent.

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  6. There’s also a substantial anti-black skew to the left and liberal media world, but it rarely uses boorish language like the dancing paid clowns of Fox News. So they got that going for them, I guess.

    Agree.

    Most right leaning people would be surprised to hear they have no problem with “anti-black propaganda”

    Yep. As a friend of many “right leaning people”, I know for a fact this is true. I know conservative people way more sensitive to that stuff than I am. It’s funny, actually.

    In 100 years of tracking illegitimacy, the main factors are things like high preponderance of teen pregnancy without marriage, urban living and modernity issues.

    I think a lot of the issues could be addressed in substantive ways if we (the collective we, not me) weren’t so sensitive and ready to yell “racist!” every time someone asserts something that is an easily corroborated statement of fact.

    Sleep beckons…

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  7. The right is a minority politically and socially and a fringe in the media at absolute best, so making broad assertions about right wing views somehow being mainstream because one or two right-wing people have a slot on Fox News is not really useful.

    Mainstream media aimed at right leaning and/or GOP voting people is full of anti-black propaganda. The alt-right also has an obvious and unhealthy obsession with black people but I realize that they aren’t mainstream. Where is the equivalent of this weird obsession with black people on the left?

    I think a lot of the issues could be addressed in substantive ways if we (the collective we, not me) weren’t so sensitive and ready to yell “racist!” every time someone asserts something that is an easily corroborated statement of fact.

    If there wasn’t a long history of unfairly demonizing black people in this country it would be easier to address these issues. I don’t think that many black people have a problem with facts in context. “We” recognize propaganda when we hear it and tend to call it racist.

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  8. On the subject of IR relationships – I think that it is weird and unhealthy to actively seek out a spouse of another race and refuse to consider people that look like you. That being said, when I was single some of my requirements in no particular order were:

    1. Middle class background, two parent home.
    2. college educated
    3. Willing and able to support a SAHM and several children in a middle class lifestyle.
    4. Taller than me when I am wearing heels (wasn’t a deal breaker. I’m an amazon.)
    5. Christian of good character
    6. Family oriented and responsible or the kind of man who does right by his family. Which includes not having any children out of wedlock or being divorced or having a criminal record.

    This list excluded large numbers of black men and made dating outside of my race necessary. Fortunately I was blessed to find a black man who was right for me. Friends and family introduced me to a lot of black men that fit the bill and to the man who became my husband.

    The numbers being what they are what they are, I don’t think it is reasonable or responsible to tell black women like my relatives who have a similar list of requirements to only date black men. A lot of black women are choosing black husbands over good husbands when they should be open to a good husband of any race.

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  9. I agree that the pressure put on quality black women to “hold it down” and carry the race on their proverbial backs even if it means choosing a black man over a good one is unreasonable and unfair.

    We want no part of that nonsense. We haven’t invested as much as we have to give our girls to just any ol’ body.

    And yes…can’t stand the attitude of people who exclude their own race. Sadly black men are the most likely to utter this nonsense.

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  10. I am also a tall woman who wanted a taller husband (mine is 6’2″). When you’re 5’9″ and like heels, screening for height isn’t necessarily superficial.

    Now if these 5’4″ women would be content with a 5’8″ guy instead of ALL the gals wanting a 6′ guy (to quote one of my girls), that would be reasonable and fair, LOL

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  11. LOL.

    In general, men tend to like women significantly smaller than them. It bolsters their protector vibe a bit.

    I’ve concluded that men who like tall chicks are also taller on the inside. That takes confidence, especially for a man like my dad who was shorter than my mom.

    It helps when said tall woman is overtly feminine (NOT to be confused with shrinking violet), which was always one of mys strong suits and something I hope I’ve imparted to my girls, as well.

    Don’t take this is a knock against your guy -pretty please- because it’s just a general statement in praise of men who can appreciate (or even prefer) tall women.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. He likes tall redheads??? ROFL!!

    We hooked up way too early to pay attention to lists.

    When we met my husband was 19, I was 21. And I don’t think either of us had any lists in mind either, although in retrospect we can see where things fell into place. For instance I was the first girl (FIRST) he’d dated who came from an intact family like he did. First one who seemed to be thinking beyond the next week (like he did). Stuff like that.

    I still didn’t have a list. He was dominant like my father, which was good. He was far better looking than any thing I ever expected to end up with. Still is. I did know that I wanted a man taller than me. With good job prospects. But I really hadn’t even thought about that as much as I should have.

    I was a mess. My girls are more like Nonya in this regard. They have thought about this thing, weighed it against how they were raised, what they were taught, and know what they want. Although they are certainly not super picky. They see how well the leap of faith their parents took has turned out.

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  13. Hello Elspeth and Nonya,

    > The numbers being what they are what they are, I don’t think it is reasonable or responsible to tell black women like my relatives who have a similar list of requirements to only date black men.

    I see numbers mentioned a lot online (and that there are a lot of Black women who are desperately trying to find Black husbands) but as a Christian Black man in my late 30’s I just don’t see it in my context. I moved to another state last year which put me at least in general contact with a greater number of Black women but most of the women who seem to be open to me approaching them are from other ethnic groups. My church has Caucasian people for the most part and the one lady who I could possibly date (I think that she may be too young though) doesn’t appear to be interested and I don’t really see anyone else. By what I hear online I should have Black women all over me but that doesn’t happen.

    I’m not sure if the women that I am running into have been hurt by Black men in the past or something else is going on. Recently, there was posting by a Black women online that was talking about the trouble that Black women have in a particular church context (the Reformed church.) One of the things that she mentioned was that the women could not find husbands. I asked her specifically if she knew of any Black women in my age group, that were in the state that I live in and what churches they went to. She told me that she knew of a number of women in various states that were looking for a husband and asked me to contact her on Facebook. I did and then…..no response. It just seems that some women do not want to be married as much as they claim.

    A question I have (kind of off topic): What age range do you suggest that a man of my age should be looking in when looking for a wife? It seems that the Manosphere says that I can get someone 29 or younger but that seems too young.

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  14. I’m reminded of some interactions I had with a local “Black Lives Matter” activist a couple of years back. Whereas “Ebony” seems to be coming at her community with guns a-blazin’, I simply asked him what the name of the mother of his children was, and asked if I could pray that they might be reconciled. Found out last week that Tiffany is white–never would have guessed that from interacting with their children, who I’ve gotten to know and love in AWANA. More importantly, I’ve found that, albeit imperfectly, Nathaniel had been trying to mend things with her, and they were at least there together.

    Baby steps, and give me no credit for knowing what to do, as I think part of it was dumb luck and not knowing what to do, actually. But not coming at him with guns a-blazin’ allowed him, I think, to consider the thing I said I’d pray for to be his own idea, and hence he gave it a try for that and probably many other reasons.

    (and along those lines, one of the biggest ways to influence people in my profession is to let them think it’s their idea, not mine…)

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  15. Whereas “Ebony” seems to be coming at her community with guns a-blazin

    Yes, but it’s not just that. It’s disdain. I read a guy -he’s on my blogroll over there- who writes a site called Garvey’s Ghost.

    He too comes at the black community with gun a-blazin’, and he is no holds barred. He doesn’t sugar coat black issues and dysfunction nor pretends that the worst stuff is only represented by a small minority of black people. But…and this is a big BUT…

    He does it without disdain. You can almost feel him pleading through his writing, “Come on y’all! We can do BETTER!” That, or he’s just down right angry at the black leftists who are holding the mic, getting the camera time, or spilling all the ink.

    Nothing like Mrs. Ebony who, despite having found her prince and is ostensibly living happily ever after, is sent around the bend by the comments of a few ignorant men.

    I don’t get it.

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  16. Though not all there Biblical understanding is correct, were I in your shoes i would take a trip to Straightway. Pastor Dowell has a youtube channel with some lovely, productive and peaceful God fearing men of color looking for helpmeets. Just a thought. Sorry if this posts twice.

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  17. @ Ace:

    I’m terrible about checking my spam bin, so sorry for the late reply. I hope you get around to seeing this.

    We are VERY familiar with teachings of Pastor Dowell of Straightway. He is a staunchly enthusiastic proponent of polygyny. So much so that as far as we’re concerned, any good things he has to say are a wash. As if the black men he appeals most to need coaching on how to manage more than one woman, LOL

    But thanks for commenting.

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  18. @ Mr. B:

    YOu (like Ace) got tossed into the spam bin. Sorry.

    A question I have (kind of off topic): What age range do you suggest that a man of my age should be looking in when looking for a wife? It seems that the Manosphere says that I can get someone 29 or younger but that seems too young.

    I have a bit more of an open mind about age differences than do most women, as I have seen a lot of very successful marriages between older men younger women in my family.

    I would say that so long as 1) you have shared values, 2) similar stations in life (for instance if you’re divorced with 3 kids then a unencumbered 25-year-old could do better, LOL), and 3) her parents are fine with the match, then 26+ seems reasonable to me, even if you are in your late 30’s. But again, I have a built in bias on the issue.

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