We’re always harder on ourselves than others are.

It’s often a good thing to have a firm grasp of your imperfections and weaknesses, especially if this induces the effort required to be better. An over emphasis on these things, however, is not healthy if for no other reason than it keeps you in a permanent loop of thinking about yourself.

On the other hand, we almost always err in one of two directions: we overestimate our own goodness or overstate or flaws. There are those people who think they are just the bee’s knees all the time or others who think the world would be better off if they were never born, but both of those are extreme cases. Most of us have some areas where we are confident or at least comfortable with our progress, and others where we think we need lots of help.

One of the things I have said here on two occasions (and even included on my about page) is that my confidence in my mothering is far from solid. I don’t think I’m a bad mother. My kids eat nutritious food,  are pretty well educated, they are kept safe, and know they are loved. I think I should have done better, been more patient, more attentive at times, and in just better in general. As a result, I joke that while I’d give myself an ‘A’ on the wife report card, as a mother I’d give myself a ‘C+’.

The great thing about having adult children is that they offer some perspective. They remember that you were at every school event, was a room mother, chaperoned field trips and baked and decorated their birthday cakes yourself. They remember that you took them to the park and cooked meals for their friends when they came over. In other words, the days does come when they “rise up and call you blessed.”

While I genuinely believe that the Benevolent Dictator is a stellar human being who makes me better, one of my kids recently said something that has given me pause with regard to my less than enthusiastic assessment of my mothering.

When I noted that our kids always have way more fun playing with their dad than I am able to muster, the oldest said to me, “You were with us all the time! Daddy worked a lot, so of course, you guys spent your time with us differently. He could afford to be the fun parent, but you did a lot of the work.”

I still don’t think I would win any awards for the World’s Greatest Mother, but man, do I feel better!

 

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “We’re always harder on ourselves than others are.

  1. -rolls on floor laughing-
    You say this as I’m about to ask for a mentor for myself, because I am *so tired* of everyone thinking I am the bomb, when all I see are things I need to get better about.

    Sometimes you need another perspective, for sure!

    Like

  2. Between getting your business running, the extensive school commitments, nursing your husband back to health from a pretty stride slowing health issue, Crossfit, sewing, cleaning, gardening, and church work, you shouldn’t have time to navel gaze about what is required for you to do your life better. LOL

    Seriously. Because I know how full your life is, I don’t know how much good a mentor would do you at this point. Of course, you would know better than I would where a mentor could help figure out areas you actually CAN improve in.

    Anyway, I do get what you’re saying. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to say to someone, “No, I really don’t have it all together. Not even close. You have no idea.” And this is from people who are a heck of lot sharper than me and figured some things out without stumbling and making the mistakes I made.

    I suspect my deep gratitude for the life I’m blessed to have reads as something I’m not trying to present to the world.

    When you’re genuinely happy and you do things without a lot of fanfare or complaint, people translate that as, “Wow. That sister has her spit together!” Um, no. No she doesn’t.

    She has just internalized the principles of the serenity prayer. Some days, LOL.

    Like

  3. Well, that’s the thing. Sometimes I need someone to whack me upside the head and say, “what you need to work on is chilling out. Go take a nap”.

    I don’t think about weeding when I’m weeding. Weeding is bad enough without thinking about it too. I find chores give me endless amounts of time to naval-gaze.

    Like

  4. I actually don’t mind weeding (so long as it’s not sweltering out which is almost all the time here). My husband finds it strange, but my dad had a thing about pulling the weeds proper from the roots and when I see it not being done that way, I’m like, “You’re supposed to pull the roots!”

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s