Marriage is for grown-ups.

So, I ran across these thoughts offered by someone who calls herself acutelesbian (yeah, I know) on Pinterest:

A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life. 
Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.

Well, yeah kid. That happens sometimes. I insist on believing that the person who penned those thoughts is quite young.

This on the heels of reading this other bit from Superslaviswife. Ignore the Matrix analogy for those of you who like me, have grown to find the terminology somewhere between ignorant and insipid:

The Blue Pill ideal of love is almost parental instead. They want a sexual partner who loves them intrinsically and unconditionally, for their shining, eternal, invisible, intangible soul. Thus, a “soulmate”, to them, is someone who requires no work to conquer, to love and to care for. Someone who brings no grief, no worries, no conflict, no pressure, intentionally or incidentally, for better or for worse.

When they see a pair who have achieved a balance through hard work and focus and deep love, all they see is some magical aura which unites the two, a red string between their fingers, a zodiac alignment, a mystical bond. They seize this as proof that soulmates exist exactly as they would define them.

People who think this are as bad as a 21-year-old who believes in Santa Clause.

And that on the heels of telling the Benevolent Dictator that it might not be the best idea to counter some guy’s fears after two years of marriage -she’s driving him crazy- that things are as right as rain in his own marriage after two plus decades. This was  not offered, I was comforted to know, without the clear and unambiguous caveat that said accomplishment required much work, acceptance and sacrifice.  Oh okay, good. That reminded me of something my friend Apostate Catholic wrote recently, an issue Christians in particular seem to have when it comes to discussion of marriage and relationships.

Namely, the way some people (and I encounter this offline as well as on the Internet), want their women to be some combination of childlike nymph, sex goddess, intelligent enough to educate 10 kids that she popped out without ever gaining a pound, without an independent thought in her head, yet somehow capable of stepping in if need be to provide supplemental income. Some strange combination of dependent and somewhat independent but not quite:

If men want childish wives who can’t manage anything without their input then this seems to be the way to get there. I don’t think this is what men or women want though.

No, men don’t. However this is often what women are advised to do, twist themselves into pretzels   to be a good Christian wife, and bring out the man hidden beneath the rubble, but:

If women are the cause and men the reaction, it starts to sound like they believe women lead and men follow, thus we are supposed to follow the follower. It makes no sense, but much of what Christian women say makes no sense.

Frankly, it’s easy to see why making sense of it all is so hard to do when you consider the conflicting messages women receive. It just makes too much sense to tell a woman: Be the wife your husband needs, not the wife my husband needs and not the wife some single or unhappily married guy -online of off- needs.

Benevolent Dictator says we live in a “moronic society”. If he wanted a moron or a nymph he would have married one. Who wants to be bothered with someone walking around with a stupid look of expectation on her face waiting to be told what to do every time a decision needs to be made? Being capable, opinionated, and intelligent is not mutually exclusive from being submissive. Especially if that’s what the man wants.

It’s simple, really. But like stupid children who find profound the words of a random stranger even though their mother and father have been telling them the same thing their whole lives, people are addicted to the counsel of experts. It doesn’t even have to be a certified expert, which is bad enough. They flock to self-proclaimed teachers, living life in the classroom as perpetual students. “Baby Christians”, LOL.

Marriage is for grown-ups.


2 thoughts on “Marriage is for grown-ups.”

  1. On the one hand, I find the Proverbs 31 Woman something worth aspiring to, especially once already married. On the other hand, almost every man I’ve met who claims to want one had no idea what he wanted beyond that. I think a combination of slim-pickings and poor education has left many with a lack of introspection, so that women just say “tall, dark, rich and handsome” and men just say “young, pretty, domestic and industrious”, without either considering the “details” that make all the difference: faith, political alignment, future aspirations, children desired, money habits, etc. We can no longer take good old-fashioned advice such as “let there be one head of the household, but stay educated and hard working anyay, have babies and look after your health” without driving every part of it to an extreme and turning it into “be a complete subordinate, get a PhD and have a career, have a baby a year and look 21 forever”.

    It’s odd.

    Thanks for the mention!


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